Kill Dil is a disaster!

Before I rant, which I absolutely must, let me quickly congratulate Kill/Dil for unlocking a whole series of achievements.

Let’s see, wastes Govinda, makes Gunday look like one of the most sorted out movies of the year, and, baap of all blasphemies, squanders Gulzar’s recitation talent around poorly-timed, insipid song picturisations.

Shaad Ali returns to direct a new movie for Yash Raj Films after seven years with a script so abysmal; I can almost hear the folder crying out Move to trash.

While on the subject, a gangster (Govinda) takes pity on two orphans lying next to a trashcan and raises them to be mastermind henchmen (Ranveer Singh, Ali Zafar). Trouble arises when one of them falls for a girl (Parineeti Chopra) and decides to mend ways by doing stuff that will make him hero in her eyes, offender in the villain’s and a certified moron in ours.

Hold on, this isn’t really Gunday. This is, this is… Desi Kattey. Seriously, even the on-going season ofBigg Boss has more meat than this half-cooked turkey of a script.

What it does have is a knockout title track from composer trio Shankar-Ehsaan-Loy, where Sonu Nigam’s rendition alone packs more punch than two hours of the deflated bromance between Ali and Ranveer. I’d happily sit through 120-something minutes of K-k-k-k-kill the Dil playing in a loop over this pretence of a caper that’s a no go in both style and substance.

It’s as though Shaad discovered some boob’s cell phone, read all 20 SMS jokes (the kind that led to the invention of technology like mute and block) and decided to make a no-holds barred dumb movie out of it. Intersperse it with random songs, birdbrained logic and a romance that’s about as exciting as toothpaste.

When we first meet Parineeti Chopra, she’s seductively gyrating her amply bare waist in a nightclub booth and then comes down on a gawking rake in a manner so bawdy, you’d mistake her for a bar dancer. Turns out Ms Moneybags is an MBBS dropout turned social worker helping reformed criminals find jobs when she’s not partying or dating. (Read NEVER.)

Chopra is terribly miscast and wears clothes that should’ve never left the wardrobe. Meanwhile, the dapper albeit deadpan Ali Zafar strolls through the chaos with a zombie’s enthusiasm. Their co-star Ranveer Singh is a charming lad and quite a hoot when he can regulate his hyper energy.

But his character in Kill/Dil is too haphazard to make sense. As admirably as he tries, occasionally scooping out a laugh out loud, his change of heart is ridiculously unnatural.

And, finally, there’s Govinda doing/dancing his best to appear threatening in an underwhelming, underwritten part mouthing lines like, “Kutta jab pagal ho jaaye toh usse goli maar deni chahiye” in that mock badass vein he reserved for a David Dhawan comedy. Too bad there’s no Kader Khan to put a lid on it.